The Check In

As a Black woman and a mother, being labeled as "strong" is a compliment that I truly do not like to receive. Within my friend group, I'm consistently told that I make this life thing look easy. I'm a single mom of 4 under 4 (all boys), which includes a set of rambunctious 1-year-old triplets (I know, I can't believe it either!) who all claim Head of Household on their I-9s and are in the teething stage, which consistently gives my sanity a run for its money. And a neurospicy 3-year-old who, despite being undiagnosed by his pediatrician, I believe is somewhere on the autism spectrum because, in addition to his mild speech delay (he has the vocabulary of roughly a 2.5-year-old), he has some sensory processing issues (my baby boy rarely sits still, jumps and spins around all day like he's doing Capoeira, and chews on EVERYTHING!), and has an uncanny knack for being triggered into erratic emotional meltdowns over the slightest things (which are a bit more frequent and intense than that of just an emotionally immature toddler. IYKYK). By no means am I labeling my son, I'm just being honest as his sole caregiver and the person who is around him the most. I'm also making the point that being a single mom is a battle in itself, but a single mom at the caliber I'm experiencing it is on a whole other level. I have a very estranged relationship with a majority of my family (except for my sister and my cousin) and my small group of chosen family members (friends) are really the only support system I have. The relationship with my sons' father is minimal, at best, and his family does not offer any support (emotional or financial) to my sons. So needless to say, it's pretty much just me and Jesus out here keeping these babies loved, safe, and supported. Although I am extremely grateful for my life, my children, and the people I can turn to when I am in need, I have been becoming increasingly aware of my declining mental and physical health lately. I try to push it to the background as I have "more important" things to concern myself with, but over the last few days, God has been pulling these things to the forefront of my attention. It's so interesting that I don't fear death, but my biggest fear is passing away because I honestly don't know who would care for my children in my absence. The irony in that is I'm not prioritizing the things I need to that will ensure I can still be here for them for as long as God will allow me to be.

Not only do I feel guilty for my 3-year-old's developmental delays (silly, I know!), but the fact that my sons' father is absent from their lives fills me with sadness. I can't help but feel responsible for my sons having to start off life at a disadvantage by not having their dad as an influential presence in their lives. I know I cannot take responsibility for someone else's choices, but as a mom, it weighs on me heavily. The lines of communication are always open for him to be a presence in their lives, but, for reasons I will never understand, he still chooses not to be here as much as he could. I know having 4 babies in 2 years is a lot to grasp, so I continue to give him grace in his missteps. Unfortunately, it really does not help my disposition much because unlike the Lord's, my grace is not sufficient enough to lift the burden I carry. It is a difficult situation to maneuver, to say the least. I can say that although I dislike receiving the compliment, "you're so strong," I'm so thankful that the strength others perceive when they look at me is because of God's grace and the favor He bestows on me constantly.

I titled this post 'The Check-In' because I want you to think about who the strongest person in your life is (aside from yourself). I'd like to encourage you to take a moment today and check in on them. Call them, FaceTime them, stop by their house if you can (not unannounced though - I can't stand when people do that to me!). Don't just casually ask them how they're doing or if they are okay because if they are anything like me, the answer will be a half-truth. When people ask me how I'm doing, my natural response is one of positivity and light for several reasons. First, because honestly, that is what people expect to hear from me. My name is Niki Sunshine. I am very mindful of the energy I project into the world and what I put my focus on. I don't like to dwell on negativity or low vibrational energy, especially concerning things that are out of my control, so often I just choose not to speak on my pain points or things that are really weighing me down. Second, I genuinely don't want to burden them with my "problems." I understand that we are all living our lives and no one's struggles are more important than another's. So, all too often, I say "I'm amazing" when really I feel like I'm falling apart. The truth is, you can think you know a person well, but really you only know what they allow you to see.

I'm realizing, though, that this behavior is to my detriment. I realized today that although I have a community of loved ones, I rarely get a check-in from them because they just assume I'm fine, based on my disposition. Since I don't appear destitute or distraught, our conversations and interactions don't really revolve around anyone's mental or emotional health. Although everyone who knows me is aware that I am handling a lot, we don't discuss the toll it may be taking on me. I'm not placing any blame, because I admit I could also do better with being the one to check on them... this is just an observation. (Plus, my friends generally have no reservations about coming to me with their emotional turmoils. That's the role I signed up for and continue to play in those relationships.) Honestly, my emotional state is like the elephant in the room; it's funny how the things that are the most obvious don't get addressed if there is no explicit reason to do so. I will admit that I do indeed handle my life circumstances exceptionally well and really do make it look easy. It's not that I expect anyone to assume responsibility for my mental and emotional health... nobody owes me that; my well-being is my job. I'm also not insinuating that someone should fill the position that is assigned to my therapist. The point I'm making is don't assume the person in your life who's "always good" really is. Two things can be true at the same time. I AM amazing, but I'm also mentally exhausted. I'm abundantly blessed, and also physically worn out. I'm joyful on FaceTime, but emotionally depleted and sometimes cry myself to sleep at night -- and might even cry some more in the shower the next morning.

Please hear me when I say that I am by no means complaining. I truly love my life and am so blessed to have everything I've prayed for, and more. I just know I'm not alone in my sentiments, and as I grow in wisdom and age, I'm understanding that my vulnerability is not weakness. I want to encourage anyone else who may be feeling as if they are battling life's demands in silence. I want to remind you, as I consistently remind myself, that all will be well, because it always is! I'll be fine, just as we all will, because God's love and grace are truly sufficient to weather any storm. I want you to know that you are not less than just because sometimes you may feel as if you are falling short. I also wanted to remind all of us that it is important to remember to check in on our strong friends but, more importantly, to be sure that we are cognizant of our own mental and emotional wellness. We are never in this alone.

Love,

Niki Sunshine